Tastes like shame.

That’s what this feeling is. Suffocation, the air around me just too thick to breath. Shh, its okay. I whisper these words in vain, knowing it won’t.

I fought off this depression, its been gone for so long. Unable to peg my trigger I feel so weak, so helpless. Like the world is stacked against me, and I must go it alone.

I hurt. My heart, my mind, my wounds. Why won’t this pain cease? How cruel, that it simply receded into my memories, only to attack me at full force.

May sleep silence this monster. Good night.

But I can’t. I hate myself, and its my fault.

Only I can change myself, but I don’t have the motivation. I want to die. I’ve failed, I’m cutting again. This decay is spreading, its killing everything its touching. I’m dying, all I need is the will to finish it off.

The will. Its a powerful thing. Well, now I’m willing myself to bleed. Willing the pain to make it all better. Willing to let all of you who read this, judge me. Its okay, I don’t care.

I don’t care anymore.
I don’t fucking care.

I don’t care

I don’t care

I care

Fuck.

FUCK.

I fucking care

Why?
Why is this happening to me?

If you’re reading this, close out. Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Not that any of you will, its okay.

You don’t care either.

You don’t care, and you don’t understand.

Maybe… Maybe tonight it will end.

Good night tumblr, and happy blogging. 

Twisting, turning, tossing in the night. These nightmares plague my mind. I battle against these unseen demons, pleading with them to end their assault. My cries are in vain however, nothing eases this torture.

Most of the time I wage this war in silence, the clangs of metal against my shields ring only in my head. These enemies, they’re cunning. They attack when I am at my weakest, when I am most vulnerable.

I try to fight them on my own, with none other than my heart and my intellect by my side. These villains are mine and mine alone, they never sleep. They never weaken, they never die. Sometimes they feign death, and only slip into the shadows to hide, to wait, and to watch. Its during these times that I allow myself to rest, to smile, and to laugh. Its during these times that I can love freely, with all of me, and not just the spare energy I have when the battles aren’t so intense.

When will I defeat this evil? When will I conquer my fears, and stand in the light of freedom? Sometimes I see no end to this war, and other times it seems to be waning into nothing. All I can do is wait, and pray that I do not lose.

>.> I feel like a nerd.

Why? My thoughts are free. I spout off at the mouth without thinking, my words venomous to the kindest of souls. They call me a witch in jest, if only theyknew what I wish I could get off my chest, how I’d do anything to achieve my goals.

I wish I could throw myself into honesty. My wicked deception is a mockery of the “best policy”. I’m not modest, my fallacy’s are impressive, no one will notice as I invest myself in these lies.

Speaking of lies, lets tell the truth for a minute. I’m sick of playing this game, the outcomes are infinite. The winners are nothing more then suckers, so pucker up and take it like a man.

I’m amazed at the things we say we can’t do, and the things we can. We step on each other, biting the hand that feeds us. Closing ourselves in cages made of our own sins, pinning out souls to the bare cold floor, begging for more. More pain more hate, more lies. Anything to justify our actions, anything to silence our enemies and hide our faults behind a curtain of deceit. 

It is obtainable, in this world filled with chaos and disruption. With so few hours in a day, and so many problems to handle, one must find solace somewhere. Anywhere. Once it was a book, a talk with a loved one, the deadly embrace of chemicals.

Now it is the mirror image of death; sleep. But not sleep in and of itself, sleep beside him. In the comfort of his presence, the knowledge of safety and security. Quiet affection is shown in the tangle of limbs, the hot breath on one another’s skin. The night in that place sings a lullaby, the hush hush of lungs, the beautiful thud of the heart, and soft words whispered into ever hungry ears.

A starving heart is satisfied here, a ruined soul slowly mended. The hatred for itself dissipates, if only for a while. The body is warm, the mind is calm, and the lips play a teasing smile.

I am this creature, forever seeking this place in the night. Yet, despite the paradise it seems to be, that it is, I ever wonder if it is only a temporary cliff of normalcy, in order to shove me off once again and throw my life back into the disaster in which it has become accustomed. Is it safe to love him? To seek his arms when in pain, or when caught in the strangling hold of despair? Or is it merely a trap that I am setting myself, a way to put me back together only to rip apart at the seams once again?

My life is pretty great. I fall into these pathetic depressions… for what?

My family is supportive, trusting, and loving. They’re always there for me, even if they get on my nerves now and then.

My friends are the best, always there when I need them, fun to hang out with, and all in all good, honest people.

My boyfriend is quite possibly the sweetest guy on the planet, drama free, and well… perfect.

I’m pulling $400 dollars a check at my job. Thats not bad, if I do say so myself. My managers are awesome, and I love most of my coworkers.

So really, my life is pretty fucking awesome. And to those of you who are in it, Thank you <3

I think its amazing, how people can talk themselves into believing anything, just so they won’t feel wrong. How lies build upon lies and they twist the truth to fit the holes the lies left in their life, until nothing is real and everything is a fantasy they build in their heads.

How forever means until I’m through, best friends means until we disagree, and love is nothing more than a four letter word we use to give us an excuse to have sex. I’m amazed by how this place is so permeated with memories that mean absolutely nothing, conversations that were just momentary words, nothing of any substance. I think its astounding that all it took was a pointed out flaw to detach what used to be attached at the hip.

How backstabbing and undermining are the ways to go, turning and flipping the bird when in reality, making up was in order. How a man is worth more than friendship, and pride is worth more than a friends happiness. How even though everyone in the situation knows they’re wrong, but they won’t admit it.

I think its amazing how two people go from nothing more to a physical relationship, tack on the term boyfriend/ girlfriend, and suddenly its emotional. Nothings changed: Note to self, stop being so stupid.

And while we’re giving notes to our selves? Here’s a couple more for me.

Note to self- You’re nothing to him, or anyone else. You’re just another fat bitch taking up space; but hey. You put out, so you have a little bit of worth.

Note to self- You were wrong. You lost everything that mattered to you, because you were arrogant enough to think your opinion mattered.

Note to self- Stop trying. You’re going to fail, give up.

Note to self- No more notes to yourself, you’re too stupid to learn from them.

I think its amazing how during highschool, friends are the only thing that matters. Out of high school, sex and drugs are the only things that matter. 

But you know what I really think is amazing? How I give advice to everyone, but my own life is on a one way road to no where, with a pit stop to my “boyfriends” bed every now and then. They’re right. I’m nothing but a whore, and I’ll never be more than that.

Gracias, for the reality check. It was amazing.

It was really nice, having someone that I’m not sleeping with tell me I’m beautiful. Not in an argument, he said it just to say it. He walked a mile out of his way, just to make sure I got home alright, and then hung out with me when I said I didn’t want to be alone. A hug good night, and a promise that he’ll be safe… I love my friends, I really do.

And I’ll be by his side. Its almost pathetic, how excited I get to be around him. I’ll sleep soundly tonight, tucked into the safety of his embrace.

I’m almost there… Now I just gotta decide which way I’ll turn when I arrive.

You protect me. You comfort me. You care for me. You hold me when I cry, and then kiss away my tears. How could I ever ask for more?

I used to think that nothing legitimate would ever grow between us. That we were too different. But as I spend more and more time with you, I realize how perfect you are. Even with your flaws you are absolutely perfect.

When I told you what happened, you understood. You listened and you told me it would be okay. No anger, no disgust. I don’t think you’ll ever know how sorry I am for it, but you stayed by my side anyway. I could never thank you enough.

I know you live for the moment, but thank you for each and every one that you spend on me. I’ll be here as long as you want me.

<3

Slipping back into this depression, I don’t know whats causing it.

My boyfriend is absolutely amazing, and my friends are always there for me. So why do I feel so broken and low? The ache just won’t go away… I’ve pretty much just given in to it. I think I’ll try to sleep tonight, maybe that will help.